June 2014

How to Defend Your Joy AND Your Process

Arrows Road Sign Direction Choices 300Betty defended her joy. When her husband told her they couldn’t afford massage right now, she told him with her new job,

  • We can’t afford for me to not receive massage now, with all I’m doing.

He got right on board with her and has been supportive ever since.

Betty spoke with certainty. That probably played a strong role in winning her husband’s support. But what if you’re not certain? What if you’re looking for support in coming to certainty? Often, people who are more results-oriented will tend to push a decision on people who are processing options and seeking input but not premature answers.

Being pretty much of a verbal processor myself, I find it helps to speak with certainty about my need to be in process until the path is clear enough for a decision. I will say:

  • I’m getting perspective and processing my options right now. I’d love your input into my decision (that process.)

Now that I write this, I realize my husband defended he process last night. He had a confusing exchange with a client. He asked for my input, but clearly told me he was aware that he would see it differently in the morning. 

He does see it differently this morning. He shared today’s perspective, and told me he intends to let it settle over the weekend. He let me know he might ask my input again once he’s had more time to process it. 

He intends to call the client Monday. If we discuss it Sunday, I expect the conversation to be more concrete and more focused on action. 

Defend your joy with as much certainty as you can authentically muster. If you’re not certain, defend your right not to know for sure yet, and defend your right to process options. 

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The True Inside Story

read stories story 300“Why are your dreams so clear, but you are so fuzzy to talk with?”

I had an immediate and clear answer to that question, which was posed to me by a therapist thirty years ago. But I was fuzzy to talk to, so of course, I gave a fuzzy answer.

My quick answer was: dreams are unconscious. There’s no need to justify my dreams. I just report them as experienced. Conversations are different. I need to jump through hoops to say the right thing.

I have other insights to that question now. Dreams speak a symbolic language. Back then, I didn’t speak that language. My dreams were clear to a therapist who worked with imagery and symbols – but not to me.

The other insight is that my inner world and outer world were so many miles apart. In my experience, one only spoke of the externals. These days, when someone asks me what I’m up to, I’m likely to share insights, dreams and inner experiences. Those days, in conversations, only the externals mattered. It was as if the internals didn’t exist.

I have residuals from those days. Recently, ladies in a new group asked me to tell them about myself. I spoke of my career. The fact is, for this group, the internals are much more relevant. How do I think, feel, and operate? What matters to me? Where is my heart?

It is becoming much easier to talk about the internals. It’s also exciting to experience the connections and the sharing that the “inside story” inspires. Last night, a longtime family friend dropped by. I asked him questions about his life that got him sharing about his vision, his values and his interests. We discovered all kinds of things he had not shared before. Much of the detail was over our heads, but it didn’t matter. We didn’t need to understand the particulars to get a sense of the depth of his life quest. We learned a lot about how this dear friend thinks, feels and operates, what matters to him and where his heart is. 

I love exchanging true inside stories. 

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How Hard Can it Be? Spelling Woes

  • mistake 300How hard can it be to dial a phone number correctly the first time?
  • How hard can it be to put things back where they came from?
  • How hard can it be to get places on time?
  • How hard can it be to back out of a short, straight driveway?
  • How hard can it be to get the spelling right on a blog?

 

If you’re me, the answer is:  pretty darn hard.

I do have redeeming qualities. 

Your “how hard can it be?” list won’t be the same as mine, but I bet you do have one. And you do have a “redeeming qualities” list, too. 

We’re working on it, one “how hard can it be” at a time. Many things have become easy.

Now that Angela is back in town, maybe the spelling errors won’t be as blatant as they were when she was unavailable. Plus I am planning for us to work out a way to “mistake-proof” the blog moving forward. It needs to be a simple, user-friendly system that honors my nature and doesn’t crush the joy of my writing. 

Now, how hard can it be for us to find the time to get such a system in place?

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