November 2014

I once had a dream that concluded that “solving problems is easy when you work at the right level.” That’s all I remember from the dream, but just that much was powerful for me. One of the reasons I like the communication styles so much is that communication is much easier if you speak at the right level – or in the best style for your listener and the situation.

I had a great time writing a review for the book The Compassionate Geek. I particularity enjoyed mentioning: “Like it or not, IT issues can be emotional triggers.” Too many techies see their job simply as a mechanical one. The best techies understand that developing their soft skills is part of the job. You can’t solve a relationship problem at a technical level any more than you can solve a technical problem at a relationship level.

We’re all a bit like the man with a hammer who sees the world as a nail. My main style is Visionary: I like to express the expansive nature of my spirit. I’ve had to balance that with my inner Harmonizer, and express the relational nature of my heart and soul. I’ve had to balance that with my inner Analyzer, and express the logical nature of my mind. I’ve had to balance that with my inner Achiever, and assert the primal nature of my will.

If you take the quiz, please know it’s a work in progress. There hasn’t been much outer progress as I’ve been developing my weaker side by making friends with concrete reality. But the seeds are planted and sprouting. I see style work as powerful and transformative. It’s so powerful that I had to stop talking about it and narrow my focus to living it. The outcome will be worth the wait. 

Yesterday I wrote about elevating words. They are golden when elevation is called for. So are clarifying words, harmonizing words and grounding, motivating words.

Solving problems is easy when you work at the right level. That’s what my dream told me. The dream is just the beginning. I’ve been exploring that message in spirit, soul, mind and concrete reality. 

Where have you been attempting to solve a problem at the wrong level?

Today my inbox was blessed with elevating words from a Community Member (CM). I say elevating because that is exactly what they were. Yes, they were also encouraging and supportive, but CM chose her words carefully to invoke an elevated attitude toward an important conversation I will have today. CM anchored the bigger picture for me.

How did she do that? By sharing details of how her preparation for an important conversation enabled her to rise above the turmoil and see the bigger picture. She wrote of how her preparation kept her from being taken by surprise and thrown off balance, enabling her to stay centered through it all. 

CM gifted me with imagery. How could that be so great… imagery is imaginary! Well… imagery is a powerful guiding element in life and communication. I use imagery in all my communication to keep my own center and to invoke constructive pictures for others.

Imagery doesn’t replace critical thinking and other preparation, but it certainly empowers it. I so appreciate the gift.  

How do you use imagery?

It’s pretty much an unwritten rule that you don’t address issues in email. So why have I been doing just that?

Because I differ. When conversations touch hot buttons and get confused, email provides Space for Grace – space where grace can enter in between the trigger and the reaction. It also provides a record of what was actually said so the people involved can go back and see just where the conversation got derailed. That allows for course corrections at specific points of confusion.

What I don’t “approve of” is when people hide behind email. For example, sending an email that states your position and closes with “enough said” is controlling and counter-productive. If I raise a potentially touchy issue in email, I make sure to communicate my willingness and desire to speak in “real-time” – either face-to-face or by phone. 

Tomorrow I meet with someone after a series of emails addressing a challenge in our working relationship. The emails have given me the clarity to know what I want and need moving forward and the specifics to prepare to respond effectively should we meet resistance. I have studied the points of confusion and developed clarity. I have studied the points of promise and am ready to build on them. I know what I am willing to accept and what my options are should we not reach understanding. 

I told her I believed we could get past this, and I do. As one of my preparation resources, I have immersed myself in the most beautiful song imaginable. It’s the Prayer of Saint Francis by Simon De Voil. I recently sent it to a Community Member when she was triggered and she said it “took her out of herself.”  It expanded her perspective of the situation. It’s a great balance to the focused part of my preparation.

You can download the song without charge at Simon De Voil’s site. http://simondevoil.bandcamp.com/ I post the simple lyrics below. Yes, it’s a prayer. If that’s not your thing, I invite you to translate it into a form that can inspire you. Just be sure to do the footwork, too. 

PRAYER OF ST FRANCIS

Lord make me a channel of your peace
grant that I can see through my human pain
and still feel loved
And in the darkness
let light be found in there

Lord make me a channel of your peace
we all need to learn to forgive
a few more hundred times
Melt our hatred
let love take root in our hearts

Lord make me a channel of your peace
through my own pain and need
let me learn to understand
Reach through our sadness
let it be joy
Lord make me a channel of your peace

A Community Member (CM) told me about a situation where she had been blindsided and lost a contract without any previous clues, discussion or signals. I mentioned that the client obviously had not communicated well. CM replied that contract workers don’t get to point fingers. CM is wise indeed to take responsibility for the breakdown. 

That said, it’s also important to notice when someone else doesn’t communicate clearly and in earnest. It’s part of seeing the reality of any situation. We learn from everything, and one possible lesson in this experience is that things are not always as they appear on the surface. The next step is to explore ways to apply that learning.

Yesterday, I posted about the villain/victim/hero Drama Triangle. I got to experience that dynamic first hand, both from my own slippage and from communication that was heavily laden with villain and victim language. Identifying those triggers helped me separate myself from the dynamic.

There is a trap in the Drama Triangle model as there is in applying any model. What’s that?

Models take you into your mind. They are discernment tools, and the shadow side of discernment is judgment. Also, labels create a focus that can obscure seeing things that aren’t a part of that label. The person might be reduced to a label.

I am in the midst of a communication challenge with a Service Provider (SP) I prepaid for services. Like a marriage, where there is too much invested to dismiss the other when they trigger us, the prepayment of services is something of a blessing in that not having an easy out inspires us to go more deeply into the issues.

By seeing where SP gets heavy-handed, (invokes the Villain Archetype) and where SP plays helpless (invokes the Victim Archetype), I understand the situation better and can stay conscious of where I might react to those dynamics. I just need to avoid using the model to objectify someone I am in relationship with. Analysis and discernment are a part of the process, but not a center to communicate in difficult conversations. 

I balance the clarity from analysis with grace of prayer, visualization and affirmation. I needed to wait to respond until my head was supporting my heart, not running the show. Sp is human, and I need to be centered in my own humanity before taking the next step. 

Prayer, visioning, affirmations – there are many ways to balance critical thinking for effective communication. You know what takes the edge off cold analysis for you. Go there before you open your mouth. 

Betty uses wonderful imagery when she gets emotionally triggered. She pictures herself as being on a journey to a mountain top, and having fallen into a hole for a while. 

I love that image. I added that most of us see this kind of slippage as deviation from the path, and we want to get out of the hole as quickly as possible. It’s no fun to feel like a victim. We want the direct path to empowerment. However, slippage is a part of the direct path – even for advanced practitioners. The SpeakStrong Method (and book***) provide tools to learn and benefit from every experience, even ones where we regress into a five-year old. 

I had my own slippage yesterday. I am having a communication challenge with a service provider whom I prepaid. I told my friend that the situation was “nibbling on me.”

I let myself be in my “nibbled on” (aka victim) hole. I looked around and learned from it… but I didn’t stay there. After deep reflection and processing, the situation stopped nibbling on me. I started to nibble on it. 

What’s the difference? While I am vulnerable to the machinations of the long-suffering and the hoops and deflections of the perpetrators, in my center, I refuse to be a player in anyone’s drama triangle. I stand as an observer of it. I still explore every power play and poor-me message the dramatist send: without feeling subservient to any of them. Specifically, I do not allow her victim declaration to polarize me into the role or into the self-characterization of persecutor, nor do I feel the need to be the hero to caretake for a woman I paid to care for me and my needs. I can honor the success that keeps her so busy and I can empathize with her life struggles that make it difficult to honor all her commitments… and I still expect to be treated as a valued client. 

And, oh, my, my, is she ever giving me juicy illustrations of the villain/victim/hero triangle. This isn’t my first choice of a good time. It is quite a learning opportunity to practice staying in my center, and being clear, kind and direct. In other words, to practice Speaking Strong. 

***The offer of a SpeakStrong or PowerPhrases book at no cost with any order ends tonight. See yesterday’s post.