Continued Questing

Why didn’t I say that? I ponder. Why didn’t I just ask the question?  These are honest investigations – not reflexive efforts to self-flagellate.

My quest continues. I’m still finding my voice after all these years. As the fog lifts, clarity earned by years of discovery deepens and focuses my probes and reveals answers hitherto invisible. Each time I free myself from one more confused inhibition and speak a different level of truth, my words open doors that my silence couldn’t budge.

These are not all major conversations. Many are simple seemingly inexplicable inhibitions. Like:

  • Could you pick me up some toothpaste while you’re at the store?
  • 10:00 would rush me. Would 10:30 work?
  • I don’t care much for fruity chocolate.
  • I can’t hear you.
  • I made a bad buy.

My SpeakStrong hiatus gave me (and Bob) the space for grace to clear many conversational quagmires and to heal many conversational wounds. Some meta-conversations have made our home life much more enjoyable. Like:

  • When I feel pressured to respond I dissociate (space out) and it becomes harder to respond. Just a little space helps me stay present with myself and with you.

We have had numerous meta-conversation like that, but the little communication breakthroughs matter too. The channels of communication for the more challenging conversations are dredged by mundane questions, assertions and confessions.

My quest continues.  I’m still finding my voice after all these years. Thankfully, it seems at least for now, that the terrain I travel at this stage of the journey has more gold mines than land mines. So let’s keep saying what we mean and meaning what we say… without being mean when we say it.

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